In my fear that I’ll forget something that needs to be crammed into the few spare hours I have each week, I’ve taken to my old ways of making long lists every day and checking them twice (an hour). Insidiously, I have felt the old insanity returning—the fear, the anxiety, the trepidation and trembling. My mind races ahead all day. While getting one thing done, I’m already thinking of three others—which one should I do next???
Oh, how identical this feels to the insanity of overeating or overspending! When my dis–ease of compulsive eating or spending is upon me, there’s never enough. Even while finishing one meal, or one candy bar, I’m already thinking about where and when I can get my next one. While I’m checking out of the store with $100 worth of fabric, and 20 hours worth of sewing to do, I’m already picturing what I could do with the cloth on the bolt the woman next to me is holding, or what I need to be buying and “sewing” for Christmas.
Ah, yes! Well I remember this feeling of never having, doing, or being enough. Suddenly, I realize that I have become a compulsive doer again. I have put my priority back on external circumstances and events, rather than on staying in conscious contact with God. All I’m in conscious contact with is my list. IT has become my god—a lifeless, unfeeling god, created by my own hands. I don’t need the Spirit anymore—I have THE LIST!!!
And the Spirit withdraws and I am left to myself and the list.
The cure? The first three Steps or the Honesty Waltz as I’ve heard it called: 1 – 2 – 3. 1 – 2 – 3.
“I can’t.
“God can.
“I think I’ll let Him.”
Don’t let anyone fool you. It’s pretty scary to trust God this much, to turn the management of your day over to Him. It’s perfectly natural to think, “Hey, that’s getting a little personal, a little too close for comfort. He can have my life. After all, I don’t even know what that means exactly—but my DAY??? TODAY??? No. No, thank you. I’ll stay in charge and keep track of today.”
Today, I’m going to try an experiment on His words. I’m going to trust Him that if I really will counsel with Him as often as I need to during this day, through the continuous silent prayers of my heart, He will give me the counsel and comfort that only He can give me.
So, here I am, back to the place where I have only one item on my list—to love God with all my heart, with all my might, mind and strength (Matthew 22:37). I think that’s a pretty good paraphrase of Step Three: “Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, and to trust Him in all things.”
~Colleen H.
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