The inclinations of my heart are changing.
From the inside out.
It’s not an exercise of willpower. It’s not even a conscious choice. It’s deeper than that. Rather than a thoughtful, deliberate choice, it’s a feeling—of not being interested in my addictions; not being inclined to do the behaviors that have, for years, been my automatic default mode.
I come to the moment when I would usually use my addiction. I even feel tempted. I think of the old thoughts that would entice me or lure me into acting out, but then it stops. Right there.
There’s just nothing deep inside me that feels interested, that feels inclined.
I am reminded of the testimony of the original AA members:
“We see that our new attitude toward [our addiction] has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85)
This is what deliverance feels like to me.
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