The inclinations of my heart are changing.
From the inside out.
It’s not an exercise of willpower. It’s not even a conscious choice. It’s deeper than that. Rather than a thoughtful, deliberate choice, it’s a feeling—of not being interested in my addictions; not being inclined to do the behaviors that have, for years, been my automatic default mode.
I come to the moment when I would usually use my addiction. I even feel tempted. I think of the old thoughts that would entice me or lure me into acting out, but then it stops. Right there.
There’s just nothing deep inside me that feels interested, that feels inclined.
I am reminded of the testimony of the original AA members:
“We see that our new attitude toward [our addiction] has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85)
This is what deliverance feels like to me.
~Colleen H.
©2012 Hearthaven Publishing. All rights reserved.
In my case, I realized early that there was darkness was over me, I had lost my appetite, and had to force to eat a little. It started in september last year. I used to feel depressed and my eyes they looked strange, I had no zeal to cook and many times I just wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep. There was this man who wanted revenge, I new he had a dark side and is capable of sending me psychic attack, so I started to prayer like never before I requested prayers online and I got verses from the bible and I prayed for four months and lost 10 pounds . I never told any of my family , not even my husband. And on the 16th of January I fell asleep early about 11.30 pm, and in my sleep I had like a nightmare and I pulled out something from my body like a bat and threw it on the ground and it made a funny sound and I killed it. When I awoke I felt back to my old self and my appetite came back immediately like a miracle, The same food that couldn’t go down my throat that evening went down midnight I ate like I hadn’t in 4 months. I felt good for 6mths and in July I started getting attacks, but I’m praying and feeling great these days. It’s a very long episode.
To be honest , I can’t explicate, what deliverance felt like.